“I hear the garage door open and I feel so torn. My wife and son are home. I’m excited to see them…but I’m right in the middle of work. I have 4 email messages started. And I’m almost ready to send off the project to my client. ” Gary was stuck.

Gary worked from home. In fact he juggled 3 different roles from a home office. He wanted to leave work at 5:15 when he heard the garage door open. But he couldn’t. His body greeted his family at the door, but his mind was still at work.

Ever experience that? You want to leave work at work. But when your garage door opens at the end of the day…where is your head?

Gary felt trapped. There were always so many projects. So many emails awaiting reply. So much work. How could he turn it off?

The BIG gem moment came for Gary when I asked him, “how realistic are you about what can be achieved in a day?”  Hmmm… And “how often do you complete your to-do list for a particular day?”  Never. And that’s completely draining. It’s de-motivating. It makes me feel like I have no control over my work or my time.

This was his impetus. Gary realized he’d fallen victim to the work, instead of leading it. That ticked him off. Something needed to change.

Are you ticked off enough to change the situation? Do you have the energy to change it? Gary found the energy: perhaps his experience will spark something for you. He decided to change what he had control over.

The strategy we created for Gary worked backwards. First he chose the time he would stop working: 5pm. A full 15 minutes before his family arrived home. Secondly he set a 4:30pm alarm on his computer and phone: when it buzzed he had to choose just 1 task to complete. The rest needed to be closed immediately with notes made so he could pick it up tomorrow. And thirdly he set a daily reminder to ring at noon to remind him to look at today’s task list and get real. Decide mid-day which priorities could ACTUALLY be completed this afternoon.

The first day that he followed the strategy he realized he was unrealistic. He planned way too much in a day. And in so doing, he didn’t tackle the true priorities. They were buried in would-be-nice tasks. As he expected, it was hard on that first day to close things up at 4:30pm and focus on completing just 1 task in the final half hour.

But what he hadn’t anticipated was how amazingly productive he felt at 5pm. For the first time in years Gary paused to feel proud of what he achieved that day. That final 15 minutes was a gift of reflection. He was proud and he was confident that when tomorrow morning came, he’d be ready to dive into those items he had to close up tonight. When the garage door opened that night his body and his mind were fully standing at the door awaiting the hello hugs.

When your garage door opens where is your mind?

You can get real with your time. You can choose to close email and projects. You can choose to turn off your phone. You can select the real priorities. And you don’t need to do it alone. Ask a colleague or boss or friend or coach for help. Don’t wait any longer. You deserve to feel that sense of achievement and confidence…today!

Isn’t that what it’s really all about – when the garage door opens at the end of the work day? That’s the important stuff: that’s living the life you want. This is the year…stop trying and start doing it!

Marla looked intently at me and explained ”One thing I’ve always been is empathetic.” She was serious. I was confused. The main reason I’d been hired to coach Marla was to grow her empathy with colleagues.

You see, Marla was an expert in her field and extremely direct. Her colleagues perceived this as rude and unyielding. They felt she was unwilling to see their point of view.

It didn’t line up. If she was empathetic…why wasn’t that showing up at work? It took us a few weeks to pin point it through our coaching and along the way Marla experienced these BIG gem moments:

  – I know what’s important to me in my work and I stand up for it strongly. But I don’t know what’s important to my colleagues. I’ve assumed I know, but I’ve never asked.

  - When I’m irritated with a colleague, it’s because I know better than him. Saying this out loud I realize I’m being egotistical. This is against my humble nature.

  - I realize that annoyed is my red-flag word. It’s my cue to pause and identify what I’m really feeling – threatened, defensive, superior.

  - I’ve created many roles where I ’m the only one who understood something. That way they NEED me. They CAN’T live without me. But this only really serves me on the superficial level. Is my self-worth tied to what I know or what I do…or who I am? 

Boom. From this moment forward Marla shifted. Once she was honest about how she felt in those meetings with colleagues, she could finally put herself in their shoes. She could use the empathy skills she developed years ago in her personal life. She actually FELT like she wanted to understand them and help them. She told me “When I feel myself getting annoyed, I pause. I step back and analyse  what I’m feeling. I step into their shoes. I feel so proud of myself when I’m empathetic and can TRULY help them out.”  Beautiful!!

So how about you: do you find yourself unable to access your strengths in some situations or with some people? Ask yourself:

  – With whom am I behaving in a way that is different from my best self? What is that about?

  – What am I assuming about those people?  What questions might I ask them to check those assumptions?

  – What am I really feeling when I’m around those people?

  – I wonder what it would be like to step into their shoes? Perhaps I’ll try that…

  – Am I valuing myself for who I am…or simply for what I do?

You are more than your job. More than the tasks you complete. And like Marla, you are capable of accessing your skills and strengths in all parts of work and life. Pause…get honest…stop trying and start doing!

* In February 2010 I shifted attention in my blog posts to the BIG gems of  my clients. They amaze me with what they uncover in their lives. I still write about my own BIG gems in the newsletter: check out the archives here for my latest reveal.

Sally sighed on the other end of the phone line, “Rhonda, I try to meet new people, but I’m just not connecting with them. Frankly, a lot of them are boring.”  It was our second coaching session. Sally had recently moved to a new city and was trying to connect with people: to build a circle of colleagues, make friends, and hopefully meet a man. She was doing all the right things: going to networking events and joining groups that interested her. But she just wasn’t connecting.

So I gave her a challenge: with the very next person you meet, keep asking questions until you find just ONE thing you can connect on. She agreed.

One week later she called to say, “I had my BIG gem moment Rhonda—I’m a snob. I hear someone share a little info, I think I’ve figured them out, so I tune out. I put people in a little box and plunk them on the shelf labelled ‘boring’. I’m a snob!” 

I think if we’re really honest, there might be a tiny snob within each one of us.

I know I’ve made quick judgements of people, only to realize later, that I hadn’t asked enough questions. In fact years ago one of my favourite colleagues was someone I labelled as obnoxious and overbearing when we first met.

So think about the people in your life that you have judged to be boring or annoying or “insert-label-here”. Did you ask enough questions?

The next time you see that person, or the next time you attend a networking event, recognize that your Sally-the-snob might peak out. Before she has that person you’re talking to ”all figured out“ ask a few more questions. Don’t plunk them on the shelf in a neat and tidy box quite yet. Perhaps that person is just the friend or colleague you’ve been looking for after all.    

* Watch the video clip of Rhonda telling this story in a recent Out with Schmooze presentation. Read more about the Out with Schmooze keynote here so you can spice up your next conference and actually connect with your colleagues! 

** starting 2 BLOG posts ago (Who am I aspiring to be?) I committed to share my client’s BIG gems in this forum. If you want to read about my own BIG gem moments, check out the newsletters archives here.

My client Olivia paused. She’d been highly stressed for weeks. And she’d just decided to quit her job. “Each time my boss would fail to follow through, I’d give him the benefit of the doubt…it’s the optimist in me. Months ago my husband Peter tried to tell me this job wasn’t right for me. But I didn’t take his precaution to heart. He’s always such a pessimist.”

Hmmm. Which are you? A pessimist like Peter or an optimist like Olivia?

Whichever end of the spectrum you lean toward, you likely believe firmly that it’s the RIGHT way. If you’re an optimist like me and Olivia, you have a long list of times when you were right: things did turn out okay. And if you’re a pessimist like Peter, you have a long list of experiences when your doubting-hunch has saved you.

While you and your spouse are duelling over which really IS better, p0nder this. You’re both wrong. Neither is better than the other. In fact they are both the same: they are both assumptions. One ASSUMES a happy-ever-after conclusion. And the other ASSUMES impending-disaster. But at the core, they are assumptions. And they are each, very likely, based on incomplete information.

If we want to make better decisions, we need to stop assuming. And we need to start asking questions. It’s why coaching works so well…we ask questions. Hard questions.

So Olivia, what did your boss say when you asked him about failing to follow through? “Ummm…I didn’t ask. I assumed.”

Olivia isn’t alone. We all make assumptions every day. We even refer to our perspective (optimistic or pessimistic) as our instinct, inner voice or gut feeling. The problem is that our instinct can’t work at full capacity with partial information. We need more facts. We need to ask more questions. In the study of emotional intelligence, which I often assess my clients on, we call this “reality testing”. Our ability to gather information to fully understand what’s really happening.

So think about the last time your optimism, or pessimism didn’t work out for you. Might you have made a better decision if you’d asked a few more questions? Pause. Ask. Then listen to your instincts.

And the next time you find yourself labelling someone as too optimistic or pessimistic, pause. Admit that you’re both making assumptions. Then brainstorm together about what questions need to be asked so you can EACH make a more informed choice.

* starting with the BLOG post just before this (Who am I aspiring to be?) I have committed to share my client’s BIG gems here. If you want to read about my own BIG gem moments, check out the newsletters archives here.

A tear came to her eye. We’d struck a chord. I sat across from my coaching client waiting patiently for her to process this BIG gem. She’s a successful supervisor on her way to becoming a senior manager. And as we talked about the kind of leader she wants to be, she passionately described her father. He’s a great leader. She wants to emulate his example.

So why the tear?

Her BIG gem realization – - I will never be a leader just like my Dad. Because I’m me. I do have many of his great skills, and some from my Mom, and others I’ve built on my own. But I can’t aspire to be HIM as a leader. To really shine I need to understand what my unique strength is. And I need to grow my confidence in THAT. Then I will be able to shine in tough conversations as brightly as I shine in comfy ones.

This amazing woman (we’ll call her Cynthia to maintain her privacy) has been putting such tremendous pressure on herself to be THAT leader. And in the process, she’s not given herself credit for the remarkable skills she’s developed.  

So I told her, take the pressure off! You don’t have to be a leader just like your Dad. You are a tremendous leader in your own right.

In his book “Go, Put your Strengths to Work”, Marcus Buckingham states that, as we grow and develop we become more of who we’ve always been. So who have you always been Cynthia? Let’s get clear on that authentic woman? And now imagine what you might sound like, feel like, and act like a few years from now when you are at your most confident. That vision is worth aspiring to: that brilliant “future Cynthia”. She is a GREAT leader!  She encapsulates all that is unique about you. She is the person that will make a difference.

If, like Cynthia you are aspiring to be a great leader (heck, even if you’re simply aspiring to be a great woman or man) think about the people you admire. What specifically do you admire in them?

I bet you have some of those strengths within you already. Perhaps it’s not as developed or polished. But it’s there. Reflecting on who I admire is a terrific way to start pinpointing the traits that already make up unique me. If I can make a mental collage of those people, I start to get a glimpse at my own unique make-up. And it’s that unique collection of gifts and interests that we need to grow.

May Cynthia’s BIG gem inspire your own! Have a conversation with a friend or coach…or meditate or pray about who you are. Who you have always been. Grow that and feel the confidence that flows from it. The confidence that will help you focus and act.

And please join the conversation by posting your comments below: we want to hear about your journey!

It’s been over a week since I stepped onto my treadmill. Yet 3 minutes and 20 seconds after starting a run I’m struck by a brilliant idea. It’s like my treadmill is a magic idea machine! This time the idea is for this blog: I need to write about my clients gems. Just 1 BIG gem at a time. Get their permission of course. And tell THEIR story. So that’s what I’m going to do. Watch for my very first client BIG gem tomorrow.

But before that, back to my magic idea machine. My husband Dave estimates our treadmill was built in 1986. The brand name is Free Spirit which would suggest it might actually be a relic of the 1960s. The belt whirs so loudly it would drown out a smoke alarm. Next to the golf-ball-sized twisty-knob speed adjustment is the bold acronym VEO. That stands for visually enhanced optics. I can only assume that refers to the oversize ticking numbers on the display, like one might see on an 18 year old clock radio on the bedside of your near-sighted great-grandmother. These are GIANT numbers.  And, of course, one can’t forget to mention the strip of wood paneling along the base.

Are you getting the picture?

Yet, despite all this, it is literally a magic idea machine. I get stumped at work…I don my runners, leap on that worn creaky tread, and minutes later, a BIG gem idea hits me! My buddy suggested that it might be the fact that I’m moving my body (instead of hunching over my keyboard) that gets the ideas flowing. But I’m sticking with the magic idea machine concept. Mmmmm…magic.

My friend and colleague Troy Payne talks about magic. Often it’s the magic created between people. The energy that’s created when colleagues brainstorm. Or when friends connect to support each other.

I’ve felt a magic in the clients I’ve coached lately. I’m really present with them and really connected. We’re plugged into the same mission: to achieve their goals and uncover something deeper. The questions I’m posing are causing shifts. And in that I’m discovering the truly powerful questions. It’s inspiring changes to my keynotes and workshops that really gels the concepts of one BIG gem I’ve been working with for nearly 10 years. It’s synergy. It’s exciting. It truly feels magical. So as a way to ACT on this latest BIG gem I’ll be writing about the powerful questions that have helped these clients have their BIG gem discoveries right here in the BIG GEM blog.

How might you tap into your creativity today? Do you need to move your body to shake off the cobwebs and come up with a better solution? Who can you connect with to generate renewed energy?

Join the conversation – write below to tell me what inspires your great ideas.  Here’s to a magical day filled with BIG gem ideas!

At 7:30 last night my husband Dave and I were finishing an amazing Thai meal with good friends at one of our favorite restaurants (Siam Orchid on Bernard Ave in Kelowna BC ) when I overheard someone zipping in for takeout. He hadn’t eaten lunch. He was headed back to the office. And he was, in his words “a mental midget” after all that work, no rest, no food, no daylight. He was busy burning out.

Are you busy burning out?

Seeing him in this frazzled state reminded me of a client I coached recently. Young guy, mid 20s, 18 months into his role and fully depressed. Expected EVERYTHING of himself. Never asked for help. It was like I was looking in the mirror.

So here I sit, an entrepreneur in my mid-30s, staring at my schedule for the week. Yesterday I completed 4 big tasks. I left 7 undone. What was I thinking trying to complete 11 big tasks in a single day on top of meetings and coaching clients? Completely unrealistic.

How often do you schedule yourself unrealistically? Are you swimming in ‘busy’?

We glorify ‘busy’. We assume that busy means we’re successful but it really means we’re unfocused. We put a high priority on everything, which devalues all of it. And when we constantly describe our lives as busy we get caught in conversations of busy one-upmanship…click here for the video clip on busy one-upmanship.

My fine colleague Hugh Culver put it well on Twitter this week when he noted “Busy people are just lazy. Lazy because they aren’t taking the time to reclaim their life. Don’t be lazy.”

So I certainly don’t want to be lazy. And I don’t want to burn out. I love my work. I love my life. And I want to have energy to really enjoy it. I want to focus on what’s really important to me. Do you?

I spent 30 minutes this morning rescheduling tasks for the next 3 weeks. Some got dumped. Some got bumped by a few days. I asked this 1 big question: what’s REALLY most important for THIS day?

Now I feel focused! Each morning I can focus on 1…act on 1. Just 1 at a time. 1 big gem at a time.

And this morning I managed to squeeze in a quick game of mini sticks hockey in the basement (my son Isaac beat me 3 to 1) and dance with my daughter Sarah to her favorite song of the moment Black Eyed Peas “I gotta feeling”. Come to think of it…I gotta feeling…that 2010’s gonna be a good year!

What’s with the rubber edging around your shoes? Are those shoes going to play bumper cars with other rubber edged shoes?

That’s right. My sister Amanda was talking about my shoes. She posed this particular zinger this summer as she stared down at my comfy shoes. The shoes I love wearing on stage, out for drinks, to the park. Yes…most of my shoes do have rubber edging. It’s not cool, but it’s what I’ve worn for years, ever since I swore off high-heals.

That all changed last month. I found myself hunting for a pair of boots to match an amazing new dress I’d bought. And there I was, trying on non-rubber-edged heals…and liking them!

The whole decision was loaded with meaning. You see, I was in the midst of redefining myself in my career (this new web design is part of that) and even in my life.

So suddenly it had nothing to do with the shoes. The shoes had become a metaphor – the BIGger question was, Who am I? And who do I want to be…in work and in life?

Do I wear a bumper-car-flat shoe (steady, grounded and comfortable) or a saucy-healed-boot (adventurous and bold)? Which is the genuine me? Switching shoe styles felt akin to a personality overhaul!

Marcus Buckingham, in his book Go Put your Strengths to Work says that as we grow in our careers “we become more of who we already are.” So if that’s the case, who am I?

It took another conversation (less sarcastic on her part) for me to have the BIG gem moment. I don’t need to choose just one element to define me. I’m evolving. I’m exploring different ways of expressing myself in work (and apparently in fashion). I can wear both types of shoes until one no longer feels genuine. I don’t need to pressure myself to pick now.

So here are a few “stop trying…start doing!” questions for you:
- How might you “try on a new pair of shoes” this month? In work? In life?
- If you’re an entrepreneur, remember that you and your business are separate entities. It’s okay if you are in fact MORE than your business. It’s very difficult to capture ALL that you are in your business – it’s image and marketing and style. How might you cut yourself some slack and allow yourself to evolve in the business and outside of it?

If this entry inspired a BIG gem for you tell us about it! What BIG gem are you committing to this month. Focus on one. Act on one. Just one BIG gem!

I bolted into our dark and frosty backyard on Tuesday evening with a bucket of peels for our composter. As I dashed back toward the house I heard, out of the silence, a clear steady ream of chimes. Then just as suddenly, it was silent again.

My amazing friend Cheryl bought those chimes for me as a birthday gift months ago. I loved them immediately: when the wind hits them just right they ring so clearly.

That chime is like a BIG gem: it comes out of nowhere…rings clear…and then it’s gone.

For years I’ve been using the BIG gem analogy to describe that light bulb moment of clarity. When, for an instant I know exactly what’s important. I learn something about my habits that suddenly explains why I’m stuck. It’s a flash of realization about something that gets me really excited.

And then it’s gone.

The trick is to recognize that true ring and DO something about it!

So that’s what this blog will be all about. BIG gems. And doing something about them before they disappear into the silence.

Each time you have a BIG gem moment think about Yoda’s famous quote “Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.” Hear more about yoda on our video page.

So have you heard that clear chime in your head lately? That light bulb moment of clarity? That’s your BIG gem. Now how will you act on it this month? Stop trying…start doing!

Tell us about your GEMS and how you act on them in work and life. Comment in the blog and inspire other readers.